Facebook Stalking Etiquette

I promised one of my avid readers that I would update the “adventures in banking” portion of this blog soon. Watch out for the next installment. I promise that it will be scintillating.

This post, however, is dedicated to a rant against the creepers on Facebook. Having attended the Ivy, we were one of the first schools allowed onto the Facebook system. I remember clicking away my freshman year and no one having any clue as to how big of a social networking tool this would become (and how rich Mark Zuckerberger would be). Before the days of other colleges, high schools, old people, and all the other bells and whistles we see today, there used to be 1) a Profile picture, 2) a Profile (limited to the normal line items…not even Favorite Books, Movies, etc), and 3) A Wall. The next foray into the “expose yourself to everyone” world included the ability to add facebook photo albums. Since the dawn of the primitive Facebook, much has changed. As such, stalkers, convicts and old friends alike can find you with ease which is, of course, quite disconcerting.

There is certain facebook stalking etiquette that one must follow especially if you do not want to be labeled a psycho.

1) Never admit to acquaintances that you facebook stalked them. It’s fine amongst close friends to gossip about changed statuses (“She’s engaged?!”) and new pictures (“He’s like 40 pounds heavier!”). It’s never okay to tell the person you’re speaking to that you remember xyz detail from his/her facebook. This is especially true if you do not speak to the said-person on a regular basis.

I remember running into a girl I knew in high school once. We were in the City waiting on the same platform for the 4, 5, 6 train. It was the summer right after college and we both had started new jobs. The conversation basically went like this:

Fashion Financier: Wow, I haven’t seen you in forever. You look great.
High School Friend/FB Stalker: You do too. What are you doing in the City?
Fashion Financier: Oh, investment banking. You?
HS Friend/FB Stalker: Oh, I’m in the PR department for Michael Kors.
Fashion Financier; Very cool! I went to Fashion Week last season. I really liked the collection.
HS Friend/FB Stalker: Oh, i know. I saw your facebook photos.

If you haven’t seen someone in a few years, don’t sneak into the conversation that you’ve been keeping tabs on him/her through facebook.

2) “Just because you see me on facebook, doesn’t mean you know me!” I think there’s a group with this title and naturally, it’s true. Just because I was too stupid to block you from seeing my profile, it doesn’t mean we’re friends since we both share the same interests. There are enough people who become scarily addicted to reading the updates for profiles of people they don’t really know. Usually, this results in some deluded fascination and/or misconception that you are in fact friends with stalkee.

3) Don’t randomly message people because you think you saw them somewhere. I recently received this special note in my inbox:

Random Guy Stalker/Potential Killer sent you a message.

Subject: hey

“hey i know this is random but i was searching thru fb and then i came across your picture and u looked very familiar, did u eat at x restaurant on saturday? haha”

You weren’t “randomly searching thru fb”. You apparently saw my Amex Platinum, took down my name and looked me up. Why have I deduced this? Because in addition to being an undergrad at 4th Tier University, you’re also a server at X Restaurant. So now, in addition to creeping the shit out of me, you have deterred me from eating at that restaurant ever again. Fucker.

Lesson of this post? Facebook stalking is okay. But never, under any circumstances, admit this hobby UNLESS you’re with close friends who understand and indulge as well.