Emergence of Robin Hood

Steal from the rich, give to the poor.

See my Presidential Follies post and specifically the section of the Ten Cannots.

Presidential Follies – Stimulus Bill Action

As I settled down tonight to immerse myself in trashy reality television, I was a bit dismayed to find POTUS occupying every worthwhile channel on my telly. High definition unfortunately highlights and magnifies every flaw and imperfection. It’s a problem when you’re watching a program where every character is generally an old white person. Wrinkles? Check. Balding? Check. Nose Hair? Check. Yuckie. Moreover, someone needs to get Obama some chapstick or a tall drink of water. He looked super dry, for lack of the better word. Michelle Obama looks ridiculously fierce tonight — She is totally channeling a mix of Oprah and Beyonce: class and ferociousness.

Much speculation has led up to Obama’s speech. For me, I wondered what he could possibly say about the economy that would not result in a collage of sound bytes from his previous speeches? Turns out, nothing really. The first few minutes were quite boring as Congress seemingly mobbed Obama like 13-year old girls mob the Jonas Brothers. However, I enjoyed the formality of the whole spectacle which roots itself in 200 years of traditional proceedings.

A few observations:
- Standing ovations are the thing to do tonight. Biden and Pelosi lead the charge every single time. I think they may have Restless Leg Syndrome. They need to seriously chill out. Give the old senators a break! Their knees can’t handle all these up and down movements.
- Obama stumbling over his words more than usual. Nervous?
- Every time the camera pans over the room, Hillary Clinton’s bright pink outfit splashes across the screen.
- Timothy Geithner looking less than enthused over the topic of America emerging “stronger than ever”.
- Obama exclaims that “nobody messes with Joe”. Apparently, the SEC messes with Joe’s family.
- In general, the Republicans look pissed and bored.
- Obama blames the banks again for bad loans and being greedy. But really, who should we blame? Let’s travel back in time about ten years: “Fannie Mae Eases Credit to Aid Mortgage Lending“. Note the date. Note paragraphs 3 and 5. I really liked President Clinton but to cast blame only over the predatory lending practices of banks and credit card companies is a bit naive.
- “The flow of credit is this country’s lifeline.” Well, Mr. President, you’ve summed up the underlying problem of America’s economy right there. Too much buying on credit and too little personal saving. According to an article on CNN (sketchy, I know, so take it with a grain of salt), Americans saved on average of 3.6% of their income in December 2008. This is up from .8% in August 2008. That means in December, for every $100 earned, Americans put only $3.60 away in a bank account/401k/etc. In August, for every $100 earned, Americans put away a measly $.80. I’m not sure what people are trying to accomplish by saving that paltry amount. You’d do better if you threw spare change into a jar to be honest. The following has been attributed to Abraham Lincoln but was supposedly written by some Protestant minister in the same era. It’s called “The Ten Cannots”:
1) You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.
2) You cannot help small men by tearing down big men.
3) You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
4) You cannot lift the wage earner by pulling down the wage payer.
5) You cannot help the poor man by destroying the rich.
6) You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than your income.
7) You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.
8 ) You cannot establish security on borrowed money.
9) You cannot build character and courage by taking away men’s initiative and independence.
10) You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves.

Keep that in mind every time someone tries to compare Obama to Lincoln (or when Obama himself tries to portray himself as the modern Lincoln). Learn it. Love it. Live it.

- Obama goes after CEO pay yet again. Good luck with getting donations for the next campaign, Congress!

Enough of this farce. Obama can go on about all the touchy-feely aspects of the stimulus bill including education, employment and green energy. I prefer to look at the cold hard numbers. The Stimulus Bill roughly encompasses $787 billion to be spent in 3 phases over the next 3 years. For Phase I, the government plans to spend $185 billion in 2009 putting the overall federal deficit at $1.4 trillion. However, Obama vows to reduce the deficit. How? He’s got “magical accountants who don’t count stimulus expenditures against his deficit”. This extremely unsound logic only exists in the la-la land that is Washington D.C.

Phase II is deployed in 2010. This is where the chunk of the stimulus comes in ($399 billion). Unfortunately, many economists have argued that most of the money should be spent in the front end.

Phase III completes the cycle in 2011 with federal expenditure of $134 billion.

Here’s a general way the Stimulus Bill is broken down:
- 36.6% for tax relief.
- 6.7% for education.
- 18.3% for state and local governments.
- 14.1% for infrastructure and sciences.
- 7.5% for health care.
- 5.5% for energy.
- 10.3% for “protecting the vulnerable” (including hunger management, housing, employment, etc.)
- 1% for other.

For all Obama’s talk about the importance of education and green energy, he sure doesn’t put his money where his mouth is? Or will he? Only time will tell. I remain optimistic only because I see it as a great opportunity for arbitrage. Yay!

*Disclaimer: I really like Obama as a person. I think he has class, charisma and is pretty intelligent. However, I take issue with the way some of the current affairs are being handled. Naturally, this post targets Obama’s deficiencies as he is the figurehead of this stimulus bill but doesn’t really reflect my personal views about Obama the man.

Food for Thought

I promise you guys some more substantial posts on my analyst stint, the Stimulus bill, etc. But, did it occur to anyone that a gallon of milk costs more than a share of Bank of America ($3.22) or Citi ($1.98)?

If you were doubting nationalization, now’s the time to stop.

“Real” Housewives of NYC

One of my many guilty pleasures is without a doubt, trashy reality television. The crown jewel thusfar of this genre is the “Real Housewives of NYC”. Info about it can be found on bravotv.com. The premiere episode last night gave yet another reason as to why people hate New York and why the IQ level of the average American is slightly above that of a groundhog’s.

This tragic tale begins with a New York Post article written by the infamous Cindy Adams, a Manhattan fixture on the gossip scene. Jill Zarin (the jewy Long Island-ish housewife with the daughter she tried to ship off to fat camp) retaliates to possibly gay Simon’s interview in New York Magazine.

Highlights of this first scene include:

- Bethenny’s facial expressions, phrases like “diarrhea of the mouth” and faux ghetto-speak of “Oh no she d-’in’t!”
- Social climbing Alex McCord running to a very sad/ghetto bodega which can only be found next to their house of squalor in Brooklyn
- Ramona sharing this public social feud with Avery (her daughter who is more intelligent in her pinky finger than the rest of the collective cast). She apparently had no one else
- Awkward exchanges between Alex and Jill like, “[You said that]…because you were jealous” “What!” “Uh..because you were upset we got the coverage…”

Segment 2: Fade in with sun over beautiful city skyline then ruined by the decrepit facade of Casa de van Kempen.

- Alex and Simon train their son, Francois, to become a mini-Simon. Who asks their 2 year old SON to pick out shoes for mommy? “We’re always up for great shopping”. I’m pretty sure their couch is from Bob’s Discount Furniture store or Jennifer Convertibles. Vom. Why do their kids look like they live in one of those nuclear bomb shelters circa early 1960s?
- The van Kempen rental isn’t really all that nice either. “Provence farmhouse with a pool reminiscent of Ancient Babylonia” is stretching it. I’m starting to think it might be a taste thing. Apparently, Simon and Alex’s taste reflect their personalities: low-class and budget.
- Ah, the Countess. She has come back from Switzerland with what looks to be a layer of skin missing from her face. I’m hoping it’s just a bad chemical peel which will grow back but it also may be the whole ensemble with the slicked back hair. She can’t be aging that poorly after a year, could she?

Scene 3: Ext. Socialite Magazine party
- “I don’t do these parties, guys” JZ in the hizzouse!
- “This party is so pedestrian.” Oh! There’s Alex! And Simon.
- Bethenny nails it on the head and looks fabulous and low key. If there’s a party in the Hamptons with the name “Socialite Party”, our favorite social climbers are there!
- Ew. Jill had to touch Simon and there was a graze of that pubic hair facial hair.
- Ramona’s husband, who, in the midst of checking out women walking past on the street, makes a rather poignant observation of “The thing I don’t understand, you know, it’s like, Simon is trying to show he’s a loving husband and he’s you know..not…gay…I don’t get it. There’s a little something going on there.” Ramona jumps to the conclusion that Simon is bi-sexual. Let’s be honest here, people. Bi-sexualism is just a stop over to Gay-ville.
-Bobby Van’s in the Hamptons. Introduction of new housewife, Kelly, who doesn’t drink in the afternoon (?!). Naturally, like the Countess, she’s an ex-model. On the other hand, Kelly was actually a real model. Even more interesting is that she an ex-wife of ‘famed fashion photographer, Gilles Bensimon’ (need to say it in the Tyra Banks voice). Her first test comes in the form of deciding between a Christian Dior party and Jill’s lackluster charity event. She’s probably thinking “WTF D-list sichy did I get myself into?!” I find it odd that Kelly does the shifty-eye thing every time she does a one-on-one with the camera.

Scene 4:
- Biography of Kelly. Kids with really weird names and of course, they’re fatties. Why do the skinny models always pop out the cellulite-gifted kids? I suspect Kelly and Jill will become good friends and bond over sending their kids to fat camp. Like many of the other housewives, Kelly has some serious aging issues. Who is this creepy assistant of hers with the buggy eyes? That was freaky..I was pretty startled when she flashed across my widescreen. Yes, we get it: Kelly likes men. All kinds of men. If you have a penis, you too, can be her friend!
- Bethenny is extremely perceptive. I guess it’s not too difficult when you deal with idiots but according to Bethy, Kelly is “fabulocity”. I heart B. Frankel.
- Reunion at JZ’s “Hell for Orphans” event. Kelly’s all “What the f is this? I’m better than all of you.” Ramona’s first comment to her was “I love your cross.” I guess we know what side of the religious coin she’s on.
- Ramona is the queen of non-sequitors. Clearly, the producers asked her to speak about Kelly and she somehow manages to slip into her schpiel that Simon and Alex have bad energy.
- Everyone is kind of like “who the f invited the social climbers?”

And scene.

Politically Correct

A recent cartoon mocking the newly passed stimulus bill has stirred up the black community.

I’ll give you my comments on the stimulus later, but here’s food for thought. “Speaking at a conference of the New York Academy of Medicine on Wednesday morning, Mr. Paterson said that while he had not seen the cartoon, he believed that The Post should explain it. “

As Gov. Paterson is legally blind, this may be a poor choice of words, perhaps? Unless he’s been playing us all this time like Kevin Spacey in the “Usual Suspects”. Shady.

Ouch

Even the television shows are getting into it. From an episode of Law and Order: SVU: “..He was repossessing a boat from an investment banker. The guy was recently laid off from Lehman.”

Live from New York!

Or not so much. I began live blogging NYC Fashion Week but never had a chance to post. Here it is. For more information on NYC Fashion Week, I suggest checking out the Fug Girls’ blog at nymag.com or the written stylings of Guy Trebay or Cathy Horyn of the New York Times.
——————————————————————————————

It’s the Mercedes Benz Fashion Week Fall 2009 Collections. Yours truly had the privilege of catching some of the shows. Fashion Week is one of those spectacles that brings the creme de la creme of the fashion industry, gaggles of b/c-list “actresses”, snarky writers, and all the hanger on-ers, naturally. While I love indulging in the runway shows as much as the next girl, I’ve become more interested in the weirdos who show up to these events.

A run down of how Fashion Week is structured. The space at Bryant Park is magically transformed into a world of runways, sponsorship booths, and hospitality suites. The sponsorship of the event has definitely dwindled this past year. I suspect it has to do with the fact that Fashion Week has lost its shiny luster. Between having some of the top designers pull out from showing at the Tents and competing with rising costs of putting on an event, the whole event itself has become disappointing (as have the gift/sponsor bags).

There are three tents in which designers show. The Salon is the smallest of the three, seating 100-150 people at the most. Financially speaking, this is also the cheapest venue. The majority of designers who book this space are usually up and coming or have more cult-ish followings. That being said, there are certainly anomalies. Nicole Miller, for one, shows in the Salon as does Tracey Reese and Rebecca Taylor. The Promenade is the medium sized venue and can seat up to 300-400 people. This space is often used by pretty established designers (Max Azria, Nanette Lepore, Tibi). Finally, the largest venue is the Tent (literally “the Tent”) and it seats up to about 800. This space is used mostly for shows with real productions. While NYC Fashion Week does not even come close to the avant-garde or artsy nature of the Paris collections, the Tent does provide a template for designers to show their collections with some flair. All the major designers tend to show here including Lacoste, Diane von Furstenburg, Phillip Lim, Narcisco Rodriguez, etc.

As you move deeper into the Bryant Park tents as a whole, you end up passing the American Express SkyBox where lucky platinum card holders can purchase tickets to some of the shows. Mind you, American Express is a proud sponsor of fashion week and it is the only vendor you can actually buy tickets from. Through the doors to the backstage, you end up at the area where models float, hair and makeup beautify, and celebrities hang out. The hospitality suites are usually set up by the W hotel and Mercedes Benz. These set ups often include a full bar, good music, lots of security, and a general lounge-y vibe.

Day 1
This season’s fashion week was kicked off by the Heart Truth’s Red Collection. It’s a charity runway show that is produced by the American Heart Association in collaboration with many of the fashion week designers. Various celebrities and other people considered interesting by the American public usually model the looks. As with most of Fashion Week this year, the dresses were modeled by the B-team (the likes of Amanda Bynes, Tori Spelling, Jenni Garth, and some old people before my time). Amanda Bynes walked out to “Single Ladies” by Beyonce and could not even to strut her stuff to that beat. The point of this show is for people to have a great time. It’s a bit awkward when they get nervous and sheepish especially when their profession depends solely on their ability to make the audience believe a persona.

The Charlotte Ronson show had the usual drama of Lindsay Lohan, the fake lesbian, showing up with Samantha Ronson. The whole Ronson clan was there to support Charlotte. As for the looks, I’ve come to expect some very cool things out of this line. It’s very London chic meets L.A mixed with some feminine overtones.

The last interesting show of day one was the Thisday/Arise: African Fashion Collective, mainly because super models Alek Wek and Grace Jones walked. It’s been awhile since they’ve done anything on the runways so it was definitely a treat to see them gracing the catwalk. Tyson Beckford also made an appearance. And yes, he still looks delicious.

Day 1 Celebrity Sightings: Lindsay Lohan, Brittany Snow, Amanda Bynes, and then many many b-list reality tv stars and television stars. My personal sighting of the day was the ever dashing and rugged Gerard Butler. He is the true definition of a man and surprisingly charming and sexy. Yummy.

Day 2
The highlight of the day was definitely the Barbie show by far. Barbie, for those of you who don’t know, is celebrating her 50th anniversary. Yay for an icon which gives an unrealistic view to young females of what they should aspire to be! Mattel enlisted 50 designers to create 50 different looks in order to capture the essence of Barbie. It is natural that many of these male designers played with Barbie when they were little which is a little disturbing yet fitting at the same time. The Barbie show had some great music and was overall a great production with a lot of hot pink. Unfortunately, the show also lasted close to 40 minutes and I became quite antsy.
Some very interesting people showed up including Simon Doonan (creative director of Barneys), Annie Leibovitz (famed photographer), Kimora Lee Simmons (her adorable daughters were in the show and she’s such a bitchy diva, I can’t complain), and of course, Jill Zarin and Bethenny Frankel from the Real Housewives of New York City. Jill showed up with her daughter who is back from being shipped off to fat detox camp. She’s still fat. Bethenny waltzed into the venue thinking she was Audrey Hepburn circa “Breakfast at Tiffanys” with long black gloves and sunglasses. Jill and Bethenny, however, are the only redeeming aspects of Real Housewives so I will leave them be.

Day 2 celebrity sightings: Kellie Pickler was everywhere during my time at Fashion Week. She just kept popping up like one of those creepy moles. She also needs a new makeup artist as homegirl was channeling a serious tranny look at certain points throughout the day. Ms. Pickler, however, is very sweet. Jennifer Love Hewitt (“JLH”) also kept showing up. She looks absolutely fantastic and I had a serious urge to give her a hug and tell her that I know what she did last summer.

Day 3
By far the best (and my last).

Herve Leger by Max Azria was bright spot number one of the week. I absolutely love these dresses as it makes most women look pretty hot. The material of his dresses tend to be Spanx-like so it sucks you in at all the right places. In fact, it’s designed for women who have some curves so the material will stretch around to show off the right places. Max Azria has quite the following amongst the celebrity set and had almost a whole front row section designated to these stars/faux-stars. On top of the flattering bandage dresses, two models pretty much ate it on the runway. As NYMag has commented, “Your one job is to walk, and you can’t even do that.” Luckily, no breasts popped out this year. And, the gifts at the show came in the form of pretty awesome umbrellas festooned with the HL on them.

Celebrity sightings at Herve Leger: THE celebrity sighting of the whole week was definitely Lucy Liu. She wore a flattering black get-up and didn’t stay to hobnob with all the fashion types and b-listers. She made sure that her ride came right after the show was over and didn’t stay to pose or do interviews with anyone but Max Azria himself. Michelle Trachtenberg showed up as well, looking rail thin and somehow managed to break a heel backstage. There were more tv stars but I can’t recall their names. One, however, did wear a neon colored dress which practically showed her Britney. I think she’s on the new 90210 show, so I’m not too surprised.

Final show of the day was Diane von Furstenburg where you had those two brain dead girls from “The City” pretend to do their job as PR girls for DVF. Whitney Port is taller than I imagined but still pretty unattractive. Even after finagling her way to getting her own show, she still manages to have that ridiculously bored look on her face, devoid of any real emotion or personality. Her trusty sidekick, Olivia Palermo, looked pretty and bubbly as she frolicked up and down the back entrance of the tents to escort in celebrity guests. DVF has gotten to the point where she has a thriving fashion empire, she’s married to a media mogul, Barry Diller, and she has a huge celebrity following. Yet, she has also maintained the elegance and classiness of her line. She just doesn’t care anymore and this attitude is reflected in her latest show. The production lasted all of 9 minutes. While some of her looks were very cute, the only thing people really care about these days are her signature wrap dresses.

As DVF is personally friends with many celebrities, some real A-list types showed up including Heidi Klum (who looks absolutely gorgeous), Diana Ross (who still looks crazy), Julia Stiles (very random..what the hell is she doing these days?), and Molly Sims (who is getting old). I think Barry Diller was the most interesting and relate-able person there.

And that’s that. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to catch the William Rast show tonight. It is the first time he is showing in the tents and with Justin Timberlake as a financial backer, this show is bound to have some real star power show up. Word on the street was Jay-Z and Beyonce along with Jessica Biel were going to make an appearance. Only the fashion blogs will tell.

Oh, and as mentioned before, the gift bags sucked this year. The actual bags were hot pink Barbie bags which Bloomingdales retails for $48. The best things inside included a Fashion Emergency kit, some MAC makeup, a book entitled “Star Chefs on the Road”, vitamin water, a weird zipper key chain, a DHL luggage tag, and some other strange knick knacks. The days of Strivectin lotion, Amatokin face emulsion and cute Full Frontal Fashion t-shirts are long gone. Hello, Recession!

Your regularly scheduled programming will commence after this week. Thanks for tuning in.

“Everytime a Representative speaks, a Dollar Dies”

This post will become colloquial at times. I apologize in advance.

As many may or may not be aware, the House Financial Services Committee had a hearing today which involved the CEOs of many investment banks and other random firms that provide financial services. A play-by-play account can be found here, narrated by the snarky yet witty Bess Levin. The day was full of twists and turns which ultimately resulted in the 7-hour berating of Jamie Dimon, Lloyd Blankfein, Vikram Pandit, Ken Lewis, John Mack and others who don’t matter as much. As much as I would have liked to give commentary throughout the day, I was too busy ‘making it rain’ (read: modeling and drafting investment committee memos). Thus, I’ve jotted down a few thoughts/questions/opinions/observations that I wanted to share.

1) Does Barney Frank have teeth? Because it sure doesn’t sound like it. And why was he sitting in one of the female congresswoman’s station after lunch? Did the Black rep boot him? In addition to sounding like a crazed, toothless man, Frank also played time nazi throughout the day. This of course did not stop him from taking back ‘yielded minutes’ and making his own comments.

2) Lloyd Blankfein is a super jewy jew. I’ve never heard him speak until today and I can assure you that he brings the “jew” in Goldman Sachs. There’s a reason they make money. That being said, I was pretty elated to see how well he defended himself and his bank. He became pretty aggressive at points throughout the day so kudos to him.

3) Jamie Dimon with his piercing blue eyes and full head of hair was a bit rougher sounding than I imagined. In fact, the huskiness of his voice coupled with the accent totally channeled construction worker rather than Master of Wall Street. Either that or he could totally be one of the Greasers. Nonetheless, I was enamored by the fact that he looked ridiculously bored throughout the day. His facial expressions screamed that all of the proceedings were beneath him which is partially true. I definitely would NOT want to meet him in a dark alley.

4) “Mr. Countrywide” “Actually, no, it’s Mr. Bank of America”. Awkward mistake. I never knew that Ken Lewis had such a southern drawl. Makes all his bullshit sound a little sweeter in my opinion.

5) Vikram Pandit was surprisingly articulate and quite the smooth talker. Despite having a ‘previous engagement’ that he tried to attend, in China no less, Big Vik made it to the Big Show. I could not really tell where his accent comes from but it screams British Imperialist. I like that his eyes smile. What I didn’t like was how he awkwardly brought up the whole Citi-buying-private-jet incident. Holy random.

6) State Street CEO slammed his own firm by calling it the “global back office of the financial world”. Sorry, State-Streeters. If any of you thought you were sitting in a revenue generating position, you were wrong.

The House Financial Services Committee is a melting pot of all the crackheads in Congress. First and foremost, I’ve been a true believer that people who could not make it into the Senate, ultimately end up in the House of Reps. Turns out, my suspicion was correct. The questions asked were inane, self-indulgent and absolutely idiotic. Simply put, the Reps who asked these questions are incompetent. I understand that you are representing your “constituents” but reading e-mails pulled from the commentary of any newspaper article regarding CEO pay is not really illustrating any worthwhile points to these CEOs. They will not feel bad for “Joe from Bumblefuck, Alabama” because most likely, Joe bought a $300,000 mobile home house that he put a $30,000 downpayment on.

Above all, my first question is, why couldn’t any of these reps get the CEO names right? “Dimon” nor “Blankfein” is not hard to pronounce. Neither is Pandit. I have to concede the fact that many of the people on this committee are from the South and we all know that as you move further down south, IQ level does as well.

While Barney Frank seemingly let every freaking congress person speak today, a few stood out in my mind. In particular, the crazy man (Rep. Michael Capuano) who spewed out a monologue fit for the silver screen. “So basically, all or most of you engaged in all or some of the activities that actually created this crisis in my opinion. Because every one of those activities, ESPECIALLY the SIVs. ESPECIALLY the SIVs. To me, I think they’re illegal. I cannot believe no one’s prosecuted you on this. But then again, we’ve had no prosecutorial action whatsoever in the last administration and the new administration has a little time to figure this out. We’ll find out. Whether anybody really cares. How could possibly, any regulated bank, have something on its books that’s totally unregulated for all intensive purposes it’s the same thing the bank does. That’s for your lawyers to answer and my hope is that you WILL be answering those questions in court some day. We’ll find out later on. But basically you come to us today, on your bicycles after buying girl scout cookies and helping out Mother Theresa. Telling us, ‘we’re sorry, we didn’t mean it, we won’t do it again. Trust us’. Well, I have some people in my constituency that actually robbed some of your banks. And they say the same thing. They’re sorry, they didn’t mean it, they won’t do it again. Just let them out. Do you understand that this is a little difficult for most of my constituents to take. That you learned your lesson? And, it’s all the same people doing this. The same people who CREATED SIVs, who CREATED CDOs, who CREATED credit default swaps. That never existed a few years ago. You created them, you created the mess we’re in. And you’re not the only ones, don’t get me wrong. You just happen to be the ones here today. I can’t wait to get the credit ratings agencies here again someday. Sorry, trust us. And by the way, we don’t even want the money. INTERESTING. No one’s ever come to me and say ‘you must take billions of dollars’…You have to understand. I don’t really have a question but I was told I could have five minutes…”
This diatribe is presented sans comment.

For one reason or another, every black representative brought up a question/comment related to diversity or lack thereof. I’m not really sure why its relevant when the discussion is SUPPOSED to be centered around the misappropriation and/or the use of TARP funds. Leave it to the brothas to inject some moral steroids into the hearing.

Back to commentary.

7) One of the female representatives focused her questions around the raising of interest rates for credit cards. She kept bringing up this example of how one of her constituents (i.e. one of the idiotic Main Streeters who voted for her) had her interest rates raised on her credit cards EVEN THOUGH she “made every payment on time”. Well, no. She didn’t pay on time. That’s why she has to pay interest. It seems to me that people do not realize that paying your credit card bill in installments is not the same thing as paying in full every month. Unfortunately, American society is one that’s been built on credit. Thus, this notion of ‘not paying in full’ every month has become the standard. Banks are lending the consumer money upfront to make their purchases and consumers feel cheated when they have to pay back this monthly ‘loan’. I truly believe that Americans need to have a lesson in Credit Cards 101.

8 ) “These taxpayers are being asked to bail you out.” Naturally, this point had been visited and re-visited over the course of the day. The idea of ‘taxpayers bailing out the struggling banks’ came in many different forms. However, the statement that struck me the most is the one I just quoted above. The taxpayers aren’t being asked to bail out these banks. It’s not like the IRS is coming around to people’s homes and issuing an extra tax bill. They’re not being asked to pay extra. They’re forced to pay their taxes and are merely distraught over the appropriation of the actual taxes. Each person thinks that his/her taxes are going to bail out the banks. They did Wall Street a favor. Thus, they want to benefit. Well, they really didn’t have a choice in the matter. You pay taxes or you get fined and/or go to jail. Does everyone benefit when the government decides to use taxes to pay for the invasion of Iraq? Maybe. But most likely, no.

Riddle me this. The government collected approximately $2.4 trillion worth of taxes last year. The top 5% of wage earners pay 50% of total taxes. Doing some rough math, the top 5% of wage earners paid approximately $1.2 trillion worth of taxes in 2008. Assuming 300 million people live in the U.S. and of those, 175 million actually work and are on payroll (yes, I know this doesn’t include the border hoppers or other illegal immigrants who keep much of the economy going). Then, approximately 8.8 million people shouldered $1.2 trillion worth of taxes.

The TARP fund consists of around $700 billion to be used for bailout purposes, insurance, and to buy back troubled assets. From this math and deductive reasoning, it is completely logical that the taxes of the top 5% of wage earners are going to bailout these banks. Where do these top 5% of wage earners come from? Business and financial services, probably. This way, even if these funds were used to pay bonuses, many of these financial workers are merely getting a tax refund.

9) On various occasions, committee members asked the banks to pause on the foreclosure of homes, payment of dividends to shareholders, and raising of interest rates. Apparently, these members live in an idyllic world made of rainbows, cupcakes and ponies. While I realize that the whole day was supposed to be a roast (without the comedic undertones) of the Masters of the Universe, the whole finger-pointing of “you did this” is a bit unfair. Even more so was the inability of these CEOs to defend themselves. Yes, banks royally fucked up. Yes, the investment banking business model no longer works. But, Wall Street is not 100% culpable. I truly believe that you have to look to the American mindset of “buy now, pay later” and the American dream of owning a home. These are the things that provided a template, a foundation, or rather, the cornerstone, to this financial mess.

10) The financial service industry is completely upside down. It’s broken. However, financial services is one of the few things that the U.S. offers in terms of export and output. Someone needs to fix it.

*****One of my esteemed readers (and a person on my fave list) commented that my critique of Southerners may have been a wee bit harsh. Despite what readers might think, I do, in fact, really like the South. Well, the cultured parts at least. Just thought I’d clear that up. Carry on!

Project California

Nothing, and I mean nothing, can prepare you for the first deal you’ve ever worked on. Especially not when you’ve been sitting around, playing online games, trying to go to sites that are inevitably blocked by the firm and chatting with your cube mates.

As I wandered down the hall to the office Apathetic Associate shared with the Evil Incarnate, I passed the corner office of the Hot VP. I gave a little wave and donned that award winning smile I’ve been known to give. His eyes, full of intensity, glanced up from the massive document he was reading and gave me a slight nod and smile. Wandering into the office, I tripped over a bright red mini Hermes Birkin which belonged to none other than Evil Incarnate. Note that at this point in time, this fresh-faced and naive first year thought that we could actually be friends. I was in shock. If the Evil Incarnate could afford a Birkin ($10,000 starting price) on her previous year’s bonus, this gig wasn’t too bad.

“Oops, my b!” She smiled and pulled the bag away from the walk way. “How’s it going? You kids settling in alright?”

“Yes. Just came by to see Apathetic Associate.” At the mention of his name, AA plucked out an earbud from his ipod and began gathering up some things.

“Right, Project California. We’re putting together a stapled financing package for the acquisition of this asset for Poorly-Named-PE shop. The coverage team did the M&A work, representing the Seller of the asset. Poorly-Named-PE shop was the high bidder at $406 million. The syndicate desk likes this deal because it’s stable.” As he began to explain what we would be doing, my eyes glazed over and my mind began to wander. I noticed the little ear hairs he had starting to sprout out at the ripe young age of 26. His posture was one of a defeated man as he eased back into the $1,000 Herman Miller chairs which the Investment-Bank-that-No-Longer-Exists insisted on getting for everyone.

“I think it’d make sense if you went through the Confidential Information Memo (“CIM”) that the coverage guys put together. Should give you a good sense of what the asset is like.”

“Sure.” Gathering the papers up, I walked out of the office, confident and smiling. First deal staffing and it really wasn’t so painful. Forgetting that it was Friday afternoon at 4, I sat down to begin digging through the crux of what was going on in this deal. The Seller was not a private entity and was unloading the asset as a result of low capital and low liquidity. In short, the Seller needed money, fast. Additionally, the asset would be better harvested by a private group rather than a public one. From all standards in my particular industry, the asset was considered a very good one, generating stable cash flows from its 3, 10 to 15 year contracts with offtakers of the services the asset provided. Should be a “slam dunk” as bankers would refer to a deal that was so easily executed and closed.

Then, at 5 pm on the nose, it felt like the floor had been abandoned. Smelly Homeless Kid (“SHK”) got up with his duffel bag. “Time to hit the gym. I’ll be back for some Seamless action.”
(Sidenote: The ‘action’ that SHK was referring to is the online food ordering system known as Seamless Web. My sources tell me that before this nifty system, bankers who worked past a certain time would receive a per diem for dinner and could subsequently leave the confines of the office to breathe in a few lungfuls of that pollution filled city air. They would round up a few of their friends and have a nice meal before returning back to the office. However, once the Seamless Web system came into fruition, all bets were off. No one could leave for a nightly meal and instead were relegated to “team dinners” in the conference rooms (assuming people liked each other enough to order together). The rules with ordering Seamless Web were quite simple. Begin ordering at 6pm ONLY if you left after 8pm. Like everything in life, when you leave a bunch of bankers who spend their every waking moment trying to pitch you shitty products and unnecessary services, you’ll find people who game the system. Thus, the now defunct Investment Bank started making people not only swipe in through the entrance, but they had to swipe out as well. That way, they could track whether or not you were actually staying past 8pm to order the meal.)

As SHK wandered out with a walk that can only be characterized as a duck with a stick up its ass, the Evil Incarnate rapidly walked past my cube with Apathetic Associate in tow. Naturally, they both had all their things and were headed out. She quickly waived and disappeared around the corner. Not 3 minutes later, I received an e-mail.

From: Apathetic Associate
To: Fashion Financier(e)
Sent: Fri Oct 26 17:11:34 2007
Subject: Model

Hey. Hot VP wants to put together a debt sizing for Monday. M&A model is on the drive. Could you please put one together? I will review on Sunday. Thanks.

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What. the. fuck. I hadn’t opened Excel thusfar unless you counted getting high scores on all the games imbedded in Excel. I didn’t have a clue in hell as to how to even begin. It was clear from the beginning that my cube mates, while good for chatting and causing trouble, were not going to be helpful in any work sense. They worked on completely different products. I put my snooping skills to good use as I waded through the folders on our deal drive HOPING to find some resemblance of the model that I was put together. Luckily for me, this type of model was the only type we put together. No discounted cash flow models, no comps, no valuations of any sort.

I finally started a new sheet which I so creatively entitled “Project California Debt Sizingv1.xls” and got to work.

Facebook Stalking Etiquette

I promised one of my avid readers that I would update the “adventures in banking” portion of this blog soon. Watch out for the next installment. I promise that it will be scintillating.

This post, however, is dedicated to a rant against the creepers on Facebook. Having attended the Ivy, we were one of the first schools allowed onto the Facebook system. I remember clicking away my freshman year and no one having any clue as to how big of a social networking tool this would become (and how rich Mark Zuckerberger would be). Before the days of other colleges, high schools, old people, and all the other bells and whistles we see today, there used to be 1) a Profile picture, 2) a Profile (limited to the normal line items…not even Favorite Books, Movies, etc), and 3) A Wall. The next foray into the “expose yourself to everyone” world included the ability to add facebook photo albums. Since the dawn of the primitive Facebook, much has changed. As such, stalkers, convicts and old friends alike can find you with ease which is, of course, quite disconcerting.

There is certain facebook stalking etiquette that one must follow especially if you do not want to be labeled a psycho.

1) Never admit to acquaintances that you facebook stalked them. It’s fine amongst close friends to gossip about changed statuses (“She’s engaged?!”) and new pictures (“He’s like 40 pounds heavier!”). It’s never okay to tell the person you’re speaking to that you remember xyz detail from his/her facebook. This is especially true if you do not speak to the said-person on a regular basis.

I remember running into a girl I knew in high school once. We were in the City waiting on the same platform for the 4, 5, 6 train. It was the summer right after college and we both had started new jobs. The conversation basically went like this:

Fashion Financier: Wow, I haven’t seen you in forever. You look great.
High School Friend/FB Stalker: You do too. What are you doing in the City?
Fashion Financier: Oh, investment banking. You?
HS Friend/FB Stalker: Oh, I’m in the PR department for Michael Kors.
Fashion Financier; Very cool! I went to Fashion Week last season. I really liked the collection.
HS Friend/FB Stalker: Oh, i know. I saw your facebook photos.

If you haven’t seen someone in a few years, don’t sneak into the conversation that you’ve been keeping tabs on him/her through facebook.

2) “Just because you see me on facebook, doesn’t mean you know me!” I think there’s a group with this title and naturally, it’s true. Just because I was too stupid to block you from seeing my profile, it doesn’t mean we’re friends since we both share the same interests. There are enough people who become scarily addicted to reading the updates for profiles of people they don’t really know. Usually, this results in some deluded fascination and/or misconception that you are in fact friends with stalkee.

3) Don’t randomly message people because you think you saw them somewhere. I recently received this special note in my inbox:

Random Guy Stalker/Potential Killer sent you a message.

Subject: hey

“hey i know this is random but i was searching thru fb and then i came across your picture and u looked very familiar, did u eat at x restaurant on saturday? haha”

You weren’t “randomly searching thru fb”. You apparently saw my Amex Platinum, took down my name and looked me up. Why have I deduced this? Because in addition to being an undergrad at 4th Tier University, you’re also a server at X Restaurant. So now, in addition to creeping the shit out of me, you have deterred me from eating at that restaurant ever again. Fucker.

Lesson of this post? Facebook stalking is okay. But never, under any circumstances, admit this hobby UNLESS you’re with close friends who understand and indulge as well.